Sherlock Crack... Seven Things

7 things Sherlock Crack Fiction!

Chapter 1 - You're Vain

"Sherlock… we have to go…"
"Wait…"
John sighed; Sherlock was still in the bathroom.  The show started in 5 minutes and they had to get to Moriarty's house before the theme tune ended otherwise Sherlock would be upset.  Sometimes John thought he only liked Doctor Who for the theme song.  Eventually the door opened and Sherlock looked at John who was dressed in a jumper and jeans.  John's mouth fell open to see that even after 2 whole hours in the bathroom, Sherlock was still in nothing but a towel.
"Sherlock, It starts in 5 MINUETS AND WE HAVE TO GET TO JIM'S HOUSE!!! WHY ARE YOU IN A TOWEL?"
Sherlock looked at himself.
"I can't decide if I should shave or not…."
John's jaw hit the floor.
"Shave? SHAVE WHAT!!!"
John looked at Sherlock's perfectly hairless body.  Sherlock rolled his eyes and pointed to a minute line of black hair from his navel to below the towel.
"look…"
John covered his eyes.
"…Sherlock, I WILL hit you one day…are you going to wear a boob tube? Or a crop top."
Sherlock gave him a 'Don't Dare Me' look, to which John sighed heavily and exasperated, spinning on his heel.
"You are SO vain Sherlock Holmes…."

Your Games

"Checkmate…"
Sherlock smirked slightly.  Jim Moriarty frowned heavily, trying to work out how to get out, but he was stuck.
"No way!"
Sherlock laughed.
"Again?"
Jim shook his head.
"You've beaten me 15 straight times now… its not fair…."
He looked like a sulking child, Sherlock smiled warmly.
"You just aren't good at these games Jimmy…. It isn't your fault…"
Sherlock gave an 'Im better than you' smirk as Jimmy threw the chessboard, only narrowly missing Sherlock as he ducked.


You're insecure

"John? John? John?"
John was ignoring Sherlock.  He needed to update his blog and check his emails and as it was 3am he thought it could be the best time to do so… forgetting Sherlock had insomnia, and therefore was as awake at 3am as he was at any and every other time of day.  John gave Sherlock a small glace out the corner of his eye and saw the detective playing with the edge of one of his many scarves and watching his fingers twirl around the fabric, almost absent mindly.  Absent minded… that's something John rarely got to say about Sherlock… that was definitely going in the blog.  He continued writing, finding it easier to ignore Sherlock as he was now silent, staring at his scarf.  That was of course until John heard the slightest sniffle.  He looked round to see Sherlock batting at his cheek, almost alarmed at the dampness on his hand.  John sighed internally and went over to Sherlock, who didn't move, even as John wrapped an arm around him.
"John.  Do you think I'm…. ugly?"
Sherlock whispered the last word.  John sighed.
"Jim was mad that you turned up half way through Dr Who and demanded to know there and then what you missed.  When you weren't told you then deduced the end of the episode and told him.  He only called you Ugly because you know how he is with looks."
Sherlock let out a shaky breath.
"I… I don't want to be ugly…"
John hushed him.
"you aren't… you gorgeous okay?"
He laughed.  He had no idea Sherlock was so insecure about himself.




You make me laugh

"Hey John… look out the window…. SH."
The text confused John slightly, but he did so, not seeing anything.  He text back confused.
"Sherlock?  Theres nothing there… JW"
"Observe…. SH"
John looked around again as Sherlock had his face pressed against the window, meaning his nose was upturned and his teeth were showing.  He went cross-eyed and pulled his ears out.
John nearly collapsed from laughter.

You make me cry

"Sherlock! What are you doing?"
The smell had filled the house by now.  Sherlock was cooking… no… burning food.
"cooking…"
John coughed as he came into the kitchen black with smoke.
"Firstly what on earth are you cooking… secondly why has no smoke alarm gone off…"
Sherlock looked up confused.
"Onion sandwiches…. And because I took the smoke alarm out ages ago…"
John frowned.
"You do experiments on the kitchen table with no fire alarm?  That's… typical…."
A tear ran down his face, that's what the smell was.
"Onion sandwiches!?!?!?!?"

Your friends they're jerks When you act like them Just know it hurts

"this is why I'm hot…"
Lestrade sang deeply… laughing with a hiccup.  Moriarty giggled like a school girl as Sherlock took another shot of a dark blue liquid.  John walked in with a pile of papers as Sherlock smiled a huge grin.
"Johnnnnn join ussss for a drink…."
He slurred, falling up against Moriaty who just caught him despite being much more drunk and smaller than Sherlock.
"No.  I'd rather be sober thanks… last time I drank I woke up between you and Jim…"
John rolled his eyes as Moriaty frowned.
"Spoilsport! Kill joy…"
John stopped in his tracks as Sherlock joined in with the heckling.
"Don't worry Jimmy – ol – jim-jim… He'd always too dull to do anything fun…."
John threw a heavy folder at Sherlock, knocking him clear off his feet and cutting his cheek with the corner of it.
"Piss off Sherlock…."


And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do? You make me love you

John smiled softly as he walked through the house.  It was 8am and everything was oddly silent.  That was until he fell over a skull, crashing into the table with a loud thump as his head bounced off the wood and he lay on the floor stunned.  For a moment he swore he saw something on the table… something that wasn't normally there.  He stood, shaking off his dizziness to see Sherlock, sleeping like a baby on the kitchen table top, cuddling a test tube full of what looked honestly like urine.
"….oh Sherlock… I do love you…"
He laughed, walking off to make some coffee.